Attitudes Are Part of the Problem

I learned a lot of acronyms during my military service.

AWOL – Absent With Out Leave

CBPO – Centralized Base Personnel Office

NCO – Non-Commissioned Officer

Then when I went to Guam for 15 months, I was exposed to one I’d only read about in a book.

PCOD – Pussy Cut-Off Date

I first heard it used by two grizzled veterans nearing retirement.  Both were married.  We were sitting in the bar at the “Top 5” NCO club, a cut above the larger club that was more of an all-ranks club.  They were talking about how one of them was coming close to the end of his 15-month tour and had better figure out his PCOD.  I’d read the phrase in a book about the Vietnam War, but didn’t think it was still in use.  Apparently, I’d been mistaken. 

Let’s be clear.  I’m not conflating infidelity with sexual harassment/assault/rape.  But I think that the attitude toward infidelity is a building block toward the attitudes of the “good old days” many cite in acting as apologists for Harvey Weinstein and other sexual predators.

Statisticbrain.com cites some interesting data from the Associated Press and the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy from September of 2016.  74% of men say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.  Women were at 68% on that one.  In 41% of marriages, one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either emotional or physical.

I’m going to stop recording the Jerry Springer Show as soon as I get home, because I no longer want to be entertained by stories of marital infidelity for amusement.  I won’t stop watching movies or TV dramas that explore the issue, but I’m no longer going to laugh at it. 

Part of the problem is too many males are raised in a way that gives them an improper world view of how to treat women.  Consider a group of men sitting in a bar after work throwing back a few beers.  Talk turns to the story of how a young teen student at the local high school has been caught having sex with one of her male teachers.  I would expect them to talk about child-molestation, rape, sexual predators and meting out vigilante justice.

But flip the script by reversing the genders of the teacher and student and you’d see a much different response.  “Lucky boy, to have an older woman show him the ropes.”  They’ll wink, nod and leer at one another, congratulating the boy who has been the victim of what our system of justice views as statutory rape.  Why is it that he’s a hero and his fellow student is a victim?  Because of the myth of male dominance and power.

Do you blame Terry Crews for not stepping forward immediately and calling out the man who he claims groped him at a party?  I don’t.  As men we’re expected to defend ourselves.  Protect those we love.  As far as we have tried to stride toward equality, some of those myths die hard.

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No means no.  But it shouldn’t have to be stated.  Telling off-color jokes in the workplace is a bad idea.  Touching another person when that touching was not invited is wrong.  Period.

Using the power of your position in life makes any such transgression worse by orders of magnitude.  How a woman chooses to dress has nothing to do with making her a target for unwanted attention.  Look with your eyes, men, not with your hands.  The fact you find a woman sexually attractive can be kept in your mind.  You are under no obligation to verbalize it, to her or anyone else.  Write about it in your journal.  If you must, once you are no longer in the workplace, self-gratify if you wish.  But no one wants to see that.  No one should be forced to see that.

Abnormal sexual behaviors are labeled as various forms of paraphilia.  The paraphilia for a man who masturbates in front of others is exhibitionism.  Christian Joyal is a neuropsychologist at the University of Quebec at Trois-Rivieres who studies paraphilia.  “This type of sex offenders have what we call narcissistic traits; usually not a disorder, but strong personality traits, enough to make them believe that they are untouchable.”

There may be a component of a solution in what Joyal says.  If enough of us step up and say that no one is untouchable, that no one can do these things and go unpunished, and if we can take actions to make sure that happens; perhaps we are one step closer to preventing this in the future.  This is only one component of the complete solution and only a suggestion, but it makes sense to me.  Gal Gadot has found another piece of the puzzle, saying she will not do work that will enrich an accused sexual predator.  Imagine if every A-lister refused to work with people like Harvey Weinstein, Brett Ratner and so on.