More excerpts from help wanted ads...

"Female Dancers wanted for hugely successful Mid-East and multi-genre troupe. Local gigs/international contracts. Must have: ballet/jazz/Latin or bellydance training; outgoing personality; excellent rhythm; 19-26 yrs. 5'5"-5'9" NO tattoos."  None at all?  I know a number of women who have tattoos these days.  Guess they'd better not consider dancing as a career.

"The schedule is a set schedule and will include one weekend shift. Candidates applying must be flexible."  If the schedule is set, why is flexibility so important?

"Do you use methamphetamine regularly?

The Addictions Research Laboratory in the Department of Psychology at UCLA is seeking individuals age 18 to 50 for a study of medication and genetics; this is not a treatment study for methamphetamine use. The principal investigator in this study is Dr. Lara Ray, Assistant Professor of Psychology at UCLA. This two week study involves spending a total of 10 days in an inpatient facility. You will be asked to provide a DNA sample, complete questionnaires, take study medication for 4 days, and complete two methamphetamine administration sessions."  How many meth users are going to see this and say "cool, free meth"?

This is from an ad looking for sperm donors:  "Must reside close enough to our facility to visit 2-3 times a week."  Only 2-3 times?  What's he supposed to do on the other days when he wants to make a deposit?

This is from an ad looking for Asian egg donors:  "Are you eggceptional?"  That's punny.

"We are seeking busty girls for modling.  Please email recent photos and contact number to apply.  Good pay $"  Apparently cleavage is more important than spelling.

This is from an ad looking for undercover retail store security:  "Must have the ability to read and write English.  Bilingual and Military a plus. Must have reliable transportation and be in good physical condition for handcuffing is part of the job." Okay, who wants to call the grammar police?

"Sit down forklift operator needed. Position is through agency."  There are jobs for forklift drivers who don't sit down on the job?

I'm not cutting and pasting this one, but there's an ad out there offering $21.00 per hour to clean the houses of the "rich and famous" including a $1,000 sign-on bonus.

"Seeking part-time night nanny, with flexible hours for a big household in Venice Santa Monica.  Your hours would be 10PM-6AM, and would include light nannying and housekeeping duties."  What kid is up between those hours and needs a nanny?  Unless this is for some wealthy person who doesn't want to get up to give their kid a bottle in the middle of the night.

"Hours will fluctuate with economic conditions."  A polite way of saying when business is bad, you don't work much.

"Attn: Professional Sales Persons; Seeking only tax resolution experience only."  Would you like to borrow another only?

 This last one doesn't warrant copying any part of the ad itself, the subject line says it all:  "In-home Lice Removal Technician".