Nervousness

So it's been over a month since I was supposed to have that angiogram and other test on my heart, when the change in my medication made me ill.  Today I go see the cardiologist to get the tests rescheduled.  I'm a bit nervous.  I shouldn't be.  I've maintained most of the weight loss from my most recent hospitalization.  I don't notice anything with my heart.  I am having the same trouble I was having with breathing before the scheduled test had to be cancelled.  Why am I nervous?

I had a dream last night I didn't mention in the morning blog.  I dreamt that there was something on the EKG they routinely do in the cardiology clinic that had them admit me immediately.  I dreamt about how that would totally mess up the little that has improved in life since I got out of the hospital.  Being able to work, albeit on a part-time basis and even that is exhausting me to levels I've never before experienced would be gone again.  Spending time with friends playing trivia would be gone.  I have screenings to go to, and movies to go see.

I never entertained thoughts of taking my life with an active act.  But there were moments when I cared so little that I did not take proper care of myself.  When you don't care about anything, you don't eat right.  You don't exercise.  You stay up until all hours and ignore the fact your body needs sleep. 

I care.  Every day's dawning is another extra day I was given through the miracle of surviving coma, extended hospitalization and an illness that had me so sick at one point that the doctor warned my mother she should consider gathering the family.  My being a fighter is why I'm still here.

So I'm fighting.  I'm nervous about all this stuff, but I'm not going to not care.  How did I ever get to the point where I didn't is a question I can't answer. 

I'm crossing my fingers before I leave for the doctor.