You can't see the signs

People look at me and they can see some of my maladies.  The oxygen tank and plastic tube running from it to my nose show that breathing is a struggle.  If that isn't enough, the fact I have to stop and sit when walking any kind of protracted distance is a sign.  The braces I wear on my knees are signs of the osteoarthritis I live with daily.

But no one can look at me and see the signs of depression.  Especially when I am working.  I smile, tell jokes and put others at ease.  There are no signs of the daily struggle I face each morning in just getting out of bed.

My depression is a lot like my breathing.  Most days are okay.  Some days I'm fine.  Others are much worse than those that are only okay.  But I consider myself luckier than many who suffer with the illness of depression.  There is no way I would ever take my own life.  I fought too damn hard during the nine weeks I spent in a coma to give up on life.  Even when the depression is overwhelming.

The suicides of Kate Spade and now Anthony Bourdain are focusing a bright light on suicide and depression, at least for a moment.  We've seen suicide in film, television and music.  Hard to believe a 14 year old boy wrote these lyrics:

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

The lyrics to the theme of the 1970 movie M*A*S*H.  There's just one problem with those lyrics.  Suicide is definitely not painless to those left behind to deal with the aftermath.  Kate Spade left a 13 year old daughter behind.  Anthony Bourdain had an 11 year old daughter.  They will grow up without a parent and have to deal with that tragedy.  Suicide is also contagious.  Definitely not painless.

Depression is also definitely not painless.  I have found it to be just as debilitating as my congestive heart failure or any other illness/injury I've had to deal with.

My friends, who for the most part are unaware of my struggles, help by just being there.  Keeping me from being completely isolated.  Just being intellectually engaged helps me cope.