Aziz Ansari - differing viewpoints
Babe dot net lived in relative obscurity until it published a piece by author Katie Way. The woman who described her encounter with Aziz Ansari was labeled as "Grace" in the piece.
In an era where accusations of rape/sexual assault/sexual harassment leveled at Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, James Toback and so many others, naturally this story went viral. No surprise there. But unlike a lot of similar stories being discussed, debated and dissected on social media, the response here was very split. One group decried what Mr. Ansari is accused of having done. It is important to note that this is an accusation, as he claims the sex was completely consensual.
Another group has a very different take on what transpired in the publication of this article. One of the most well-known people speaking out on this is Headline News Network's Ashleigh Banfield. She spoke out while on-air:
"By your own description, this wasn't a rape, nor was it a sexual assault."
"So what exactly is your beef? That you had a bad date with Aziz Ansari?
"Is that what victimized you to the point of seeking a public conviction? And a career-ending sentence against him? Is that truly what you thought he deserved for your night out?”
Caitlin Flanagan, who is a contributing editor for The Atlantic wrote a piece on this subject as well. She writes:
"Was Grace frozen, terrified, stuck? No. She tells us that she wanted something from Ansari and that she was trying to figure out how to get it. She wanted affection, kindness, attention. Perhaps she hoped to maybe even become the famous man’s girlfriend. He wasn’t interested. What she felt afterward—rejected yet another time, by yet another man—was regret. And what she and the writer who told her story created was 3,000 words of revenge porn. The clinical detail in which the story is told is intended not to validate her account as much as it is to hurt and humiliate Ansari. Together, the two women may have destroyed Ansari’s career, which is now the punishment for every kind of male sexual misconduct, from the grotesque to the disappointing."
There was a tweet from Jessica Valenti, author of Full Frontal Feminism:
"A lot of men will read that post about Aziz Ansari and see an everyday, reasonable sexual interaction. But part of what women are saying right now is that what the culture considers "normal" sexual encounters are not working for us, and oftentimes harmful."
In analyzing this situation it is important to take note of a few of the facts.
This was not a workplace situation.
This was not a situation where a producer or other person in power was interacting with someone seeking to advance their career.
Grace was not being held against her will.
It should also be noted that:
A woman (or a man for that matter) should have the right to say no at any time.
The situation is so difficult that California passed a law (SB 967) requiring "affirmative consent" which is defined as affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement; for college students.
A study of more than 150,000 college women revealed that nearly one in four had been the victim of a sexual assault.
I don't date and I'm 58 years old, but if I were in the dating pool, I would be giving serious consideration to using a similar document to ensure there were absolutely no questions about any sexual encounters being completely consensual. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe I'm just prudent.
I do believe that what happened to Grace was not rape, but was it completely consensual? Is she to be blamed for not simply walking out of Mr. Ansari's home when he asked her to perform oral sex on him, after he had performed it on her? In the Babe Dot Com piece, Grace said:
"When Ansari told her he was going to grab a condom within minutes of their first kiss, Grace voiced her hesitation explicitly. “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’” She says he then resumed kissing her, briefly performed oral sex on her, and asked her to do the same thing to him. She did, but not for long. “It was really quick. Everything was pretty much touched and done within ten minutes of hooking up, except for actual sex.”
Should she have been more forceful after saying let's chill and not let him resume kissing her? Easy to judge since we weren't there.
When I was working as a military law enforcement specialist, one of the things I disliked dealing with most was the "he said/she said" and this is part of that spectrum. It is incumbent on men to be sure they aren't misreading signals given off by women while at the same time, women need to be clearer about what is and isn't acceptable. Is Grace a victim? That's for every individual to form their own opinion. But if Grace feels herself to be a victim, from her perspective, she is. We need to respect that.
Ashleigh Banfield said that by Grace's own description what happened to her wasn't rape or sexual assault. Grace says that while it took time to get to the position where she believes herself to be a victim of sexual assault, she got there. Ms Banfield was not there.
* * *
Sexual assault is a crime. If that is what happened, the legal system is the best and most appropriate forum for seeking justice and/or redress. Not the court of public opinion.
It should have ended with the public debating, discussing and dissecting Grace's description of her encounter. But Katie Way felt the need to go off on Ashleigh Banfield. The email Ms Way sent out bears reading in its entirety:
"It's an unequivocal no from me. The way your colleague Ashleigh (?), someone I'm certain no one under the age of 45 has ever heard of, by the way, ripped into my source directly was one of the lowest, most despicable things I've ever seen in my entire life. Shame on her. Shame on HLN. Ashleigh could have "talked" to me. She could have "talked" to my editor or my publication. But instead, she targeted a 23-year-old woman in one of the most vulnerable moments of her life, someone she's never f---ing met before, for a little attention. I hope the ratings were worth it! I hope the ~500 RTs on the single news write-up made that burgundy lipstick bad highlights second-wave feminist has-been feel really relevant for a little while. She DISGUSTS me, and I hope when she has more distance from the moment she has enough of a conscience left to feel remotely ashamed — doubt it, but still. Must be nice to piggyback off of the fact that another woman was brave enough to speak up and add another dimension to the societal conversation about sexual assault. Grace wouldn't know how that feels, because she struck out into this alone, because she's the bravest person I've ever met. I would NEVER go on your network. I would never even watch your network. No woman my age would ever watch your network. I will remember this for the rest of my career — I'm 22 and so far, not too shabby! And I will laugh the day you fold. If you could let Ashleigh know I said this, and that she is no-holds-barred the reason, it'd be a real treat for me."
No one under 45 has ever heard of Ashleigh Banfield? Data shows that HLN and E! have more Twitter mentions among females, and a higher percentage of those mentions coming from people under 30.
"...feel relevant for a little while." That's the height of projection. You're the 22 year old who puffs up her profile with a "...so far, not too shabby" comment that is something I'd expect from a self-aggrandizing asshole like Donald Trump, not a young journalist trying to get ahead. You talk about 500 retweets as a pejorative.
I just checked. Ms Way has at this moment, 3,042 followers on Twitter. Ms Banfield has 82,100. Ms Way is a creative intern at Inverse.com and has been on staff at Babe Dot Com since October of 2017. Ms Banfield was covering 9/11 right on the scene, covered the war in Iraq and has been host of a major cable news network show for years. Ms Banfield has the relevance and credential that Ms Way can only dream of someday obtaining.
I wonder if there will come a time in the future when Ms Way will wish she hadn't written that email.
In an era where accusations of rape/sexual assault/sexual harassment leveled at Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, James Toback and so many others, naturally this story went viral. No surprise there. But unlike a lot of similar stories being discussed, debated and dissected on social media, the response here was very split. One group decried what Mr. Ansari is accused of having done. It is important to note that this is an accusation, as he claims the sex was completely consensual.
Another group has a very different take on what transpired in the publication of this article. One of the most well-known people speaking out on this is Headline News Network's Ashleigh Banfield. She spoke out while on-air:
"By your own description, this wasn't a rape, nor was it a sexual assault."
"So what exactly is your beef? That you had a bad date with Aziz Ansari?
"Is that what victimized you to the point of seeking a public conviction? And a career-ending sentence against him? Is that truly what you thought he deserved for your night out?”
Caitlin Flanagan, who is a contributing editor for The Atlantic wrote a piece on this subject as well. She writes:
"Was Grace frozen, terrified, stuck? No. She tells us that she wanted something from Ansari and that she was trying to figure out how to get it. She wanted affection, kindness, attention. Perhaps she hoped to maybe even become the famous man’s girlfriend. He wasn’t interested. What she felt afterward—rejected yet another time, by yet another man—was regret. And what she and the writer who told her story created was 3,000 words of revenge porn. The clinical detail in which the story is told is intended not to validate her account as much as it is to hurt and humiliate Ansari. Together, the two women may have destroyed Ansari’s career, which is now the punishment for every kind of male sexual misconduct, from the grotesque to the disappointing."
There was a tweet from Jessica Valenti, author of Full Frontal Feminism:
"A lot of men will read that post about Aziz Ansari and see an everyday, reasonable sexual interaction. But part of what women are saying right now is that what the culture considers "normal" sexual encounters are not working for us, and oftentimes harmful."
In analyzing this situation it is important to take note of a few of the facts.
This was not a workplace situation.
This was not a situation where a producer or other person in power was interacting with someone seeking to advance their career.
Grace was not being held against her will.
It should also be noted that:
A woman (or a man for that matter) should have the right to say no at any time.
The situation is so difficult that California passed a law (SB 967) requiring "affirmative consent" which is defined as affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement; for college students.
A study of more than 150,000 college women revealed that nearly one in four had been the victim of a sexual assault.
I don't date and I'm 58 years old, but if I were in the dating pool, I would be giving serious consideration to using a similar document to ensure there were absolutely no questions about any sexual encounters being completely consensual. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe I'm just prudent.
I do believe that what happened to Grace was not rape, but was it completely consensual? Is she to be blamed for not simply walking out of Mr. Ansari's home when he asked her to perform oral sex on him, after he had performed it on her? In the Babe Dot Com piece, Grace said:
"When Ansari told her he was going to grab a condom within minutes of their first kiss, Grace voiced her hesitation explicitly. “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’” She says he then resumed kissing her, briefly performed oral sex on her, and asked her to do the same thing to him. She did, but not for long. “It was really quick. Everything was pretty much touched and done within ten minutes of hooking up, except for actual sex.”
Should she have been more forceful after saying let's chill and not let him resume kissing her? Easy to judge since we weren't there.
When I was working as a military law enforcement specialist, one of the things I disliked dealing with most was the "he said/she said" and this is part of that spectrum. It is incumbent on men to be sure they aren't misreading signals given off by women while at the same time, women need to be clearer about what is and isn't acceptable. Is Grace a victim? That's for every individual to form their own opinion. But if Grace feels herself to be a victim, from her perspective, she is. We need to respect that.
Ashleigh Banfield said that by Grace's own description what happened to her wasn't rape or sexual assault. Grace says that while it took time to get to the position where she believes herself to be a victim of sexual assault, she got there. Ms Banfield was not there.
* * *
Sexual assault is a crime. If that is what happened, the legal system is the best and most appropriate forum for seeking justice and/or redress. Not the court of public opinion.
It should have ended with the public debating, discussing and dissecting Grace's description of her encounter. But Katie Way felt the need to go off on Ashleigh Banfield. The email Ms Way sent out bears reading in its entirety:
"It's an unequivocal no from me. The way your colleague Ashleigh (?), someone I'm certain no one under the age of 45 has ever heard of, by the way, ripped into my source directly was one of the lowest, most despicable things I've ever seen in my entire life. Shame on her. Shame on HLN. Ashleigh could have "talked" to me. She could have "talked" to my editor or my publication. But instead, she targeted a 23-year-old woman in one of the most vulnerable moments of her life, someone she's never f---ing met before, for a little attention. I hope the ratings were worth it! I hope the ~500 RTs on the single news write-up made that burgundy lipstick bad highlights second-wave feminist has-been feel really relevant for a little while. She DISGUSTS me, and I hope when she has more distance from the moment she has enough of a conscience left to feel remotely ashamed — doubt it, but still. Must be nice to piggyback off of the fact that another woman was brave enough to speak up and add another dimension to the societal conversation about sexual assault. Grace wouldn't know how that feels, because she struck out into this alone, because she's the bravest person I've ever met. I would NEVER go on your network. I would never even watch your network. No woman my age would ever watch your network. I will remember this for the rest of my career — I'm 22 and so far, not too shabby! And I will laugh the day you fold. If you could let Ashleigh know I said this, and that she is no-holds-barred the reason, it'd be a real treat for me."
No one under 45 has ever heard of Ashleigh Banfield? Data shows that HLN and E! have more Twitter mentions among females, and a higher percentage of those mentions coming from people under 30.
"...feel relevant for a little while." That's the height of projection. You're the 22 year old who puffs up her profile with a "...so far, not too shabby" comment that is something I'd expect from a self-aggrandizing asshole like Donald Trump, not a young journalist trying to get ahead. You talk about 500 retweets as a pejorative.
I just checked. Ms Way has at this moment, 3,042 followers on Twitter. Ms Banfield has 82,100. Ms Way is a creative intern at Inverse.com and has been on staff at Babe Dot Com since October of 2017. Ms Banfield was covering 9/11 right on the scene, covered the war in Iraq and has been host of a major cable news network show for years. Ms Banfield has the relevance and credential that Ms Way can only dream of someday obtaining.
I wonder if there will come a time in the future when Ms Way will wish she hadn't written that email.
posted by me at 11:36 AM
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