Good advice or bad advice?
This is a letter to "Dear Amy"
Dear Amy: Two years ago, my best friend “Jackie” ended our 15-year friendship because she felt “manipulated” and “put out” by me. Jackie asked me not to contact her, and I respected her wishes.
A few months before Jackie ended our friendship, I started decreasing the amount of time I spent talking with her. Most of the time, she and I talked about depressing events (such as gun violence) or superficial topics (like Kim Kardashian), and we would talk about these events for days. I felt depressed and hopeless (though not about Kim Kardashian, of course), and it just was not healthy.
Fast forward to now. I am engaged. While this is an exciting time, I also feel an overwhelming sadness that my best friend is not with me. I am not sure if our friendship can be repaired, or if I even want it to be repaired, but I don’t know what to do with this sadness. I just miss my best friend. What should I do? — Bride Without Her Best Friend
Here is Amy's response:
Dear Bride: Weddings and other important or ceremonial events often bring on grief and sadness for the people who are no longer in your life. It is simply part of the poignancy of a major life transition: Happy and sad seem intertwined.
Invite “Jackie” to your wedding, with a note saying, “I miss you! Brad and I hope you will share this special day with us.”
This would violate your “no contact” agreement, but this wedding could offer the two of you an opportunity to reset your friendship, even if this only results in cordiality.
You should not have any expectation that Jackie will attend your wedding, or even respond to your invitation, but you will feel better knowing you had sent this open-ended kindness her way.
I happen to think this is bad advice because it is advising the bride to engage in an incredibly selfish act. If Jackie had any interest in rekindling the friendship, then it is up to her to reach out. When she asked not to be contacted again, there was nothing ambiguous about that request.
The highest level of respect we can show to those we love and with whom we are friends is to respect the boundaries they set. It's been nearly three years since my longtime best friend and I parted ways. Last year, even though I had been asked not to contact her again, I sent her a quick note on her birthday just wishing her well. Afterward I realized that had been the wrong thing to do. She didn't want or need, nor did she acknowledge my note. I should not have sent it. If she wanted to get in touch again, it is incumbent on her, not me to make that move.
We delude ourselves into making choices that aren't really what is best for the other person but we rationalize they are intended to be better for that person. When someone is romantically interested in a person and the other person has no such feelings for that person, they'll come up with any reason to say "no thanks" except for the real reason. "I'm not ready for that right now" or "It's me, not you." rather than simply saying "I just don't feel that way about you." It can get worse. When asked for a phone number, providing a false number is supposedly kinder than just saying no. Is it really? No it isn't. It's designed to avoid the awkward nature of the discussion of not being interested.
My opinion is that the bride who wrote to Dear Amy should just press on, knowing she did the right thing by honoring her former best friend's final request to her. Leave her be. What is your opinion?
Dear Amy: Two years ago, my best friend “Jackie” ended our 15-year friendship because she felt “manipulated” and “put out” by me. Jackie asked me not to contact her, and I respected her wishes.
A few months before Jackie ended our friendship, I started decreasing the amount of time I spent talking with her. Most of the time, she and I talked about depressing events (such as gun violence) or superficial topics (like Kim Kardashian), and we would talk about these events for days. I felt depressed and hopeless (though not about Kim Kardashian, of course), and it just was not healthy.
Fast forward to now. I am engaged. While this is an exciting time, I also feel an overwhelming sadness that my best friend is not with me. I am not sure if our friendship can be repaired, or if I even want it to be repaired, but I don’t know what to do with this sadness. I just miss my best friend. What should I do? — Bride Without Her Best Friend
Here is Amy's response:
Dear Bride: Weddings and other important or ceremonial events often bring on grief and sadness for the people who are no longer in your life. It is simply part of the poignancy of a major life transition: Happy and sad seem intertwined.
Invite “Jackie” to your wedding, with a note saying, “I miss you! Brad and I hope you will share this special day with us.”
This would violate your “no contact” agreement, but this wedding could offer the two of you an opportunity to reset your friendship, even if this only results in cordiality.
You should not have any expectation that Jackie will attend your wedding, or even respond to your invitation, but you will feel better knowing you had sent this open-ended kindness her way.
I happen to think this is bad advice because it is advising the bride to engage in an incredibly selfish act. If Jackie had any interest in rekindling the friendship, then it is up to her to reach out. When she asked not to be contacted again, there was nothing ambiguous about that request.
The highest level of respect we can show to those we love and with whom we are friends is to respect the boundaries they set. It's been nearly three years since my longtime best friend and I parted ways. Last year, even though I had been asked not to contact her again, I sent her a quick note on her birthday just wishing her well. Afterward I realized that had been the wrong thing to do. She didn't want or need, nor did she acknowledge my note. I should not have sent it. If she wanted to get in touch again, it is incumbent on her, not me to make that move.
We delude ourselves into making choices that aren't really what is best for the other person but we rationalize they are intended to be better for that person. When someone is romantically interested in a person and the other person has no such feelings for that person, they'll come up with any reason to say "no thanks" except for the real reason. "I'm not ready for that right now" or "It's me, not you." rather than simply saying "I just don't feel that way about you." It can get worse. When asked for a phone number, providing a false number is supposedly kinder than just saying no. Is it really? No it isn't. It's designed to avoid the awkward nature of the discussion of not being interested.
My opinion is that the bride who wrote to Dear Amy should just press on, knowing she did the right thing by honoring her former best friend's final request to her. Leave her be. What is your opinion?
posted by me at 2:14 PM
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