The Accused

I stand accused of violence.  Violence against a woman.  Violence against a woman through the words I used.  I have been accused of saying what I said deliberately, the implication being the presence of malice aforethought in my mind.  Since I am on record as abhorring violence against women in any form, I therefore stand accused of hypocrisy as well.  Since the person who has made these accusations knows who she is, and who I refer to, she should read no further; as she's made it clear she does not want to revisit this encounter and this subject nor or in the future.

What's really clever and cunning about these accusations is that they were made in such a way as to prevent me from responding or defending myself in any way because my accuser claims that any further discussion or review of what transpired would constitute continued violence on my part.  I don't know it the strategy was a deliberate design, or simply a reaction honestly intended to prevent any further pain.  I'll give the benefit of the doubt on that one, although I remain suspicious.

Now, for my own benefit, here in my version of a "journal", I will defend myself against these specious allegations.  I was engaged in intellectual discourse with someone I thought a friend about a specific moral issue involving laws and how they conflict.  This dissolved into a more general discussion about the morality and purpose of laws in general.  We reached the point where I said we should just agree to disagree.  She persisted in foisting her viewpoint on me after I made the "let's stop" statement.  To me, that's an invitation to continue.  So I did, and I pressed my points home with fervor in response to commentaries that claimed everything I'd stated earlier is simply immaterial to the greater discussion at hand. 

Being a logical being, I used logic and fact to bolster my position, which was regarded as being not only violence, but a reminder that this person feels quite vulnerable and helpless over such things.  Suddenly I was the aggressor, even though I'd attempted to call a cease-fire. 

My friend isn't the only person in this two-person discussion who is physically damaged by such intense discussions.  I have a bad heart and lungs, and my blood pressure was soaring as her badgering of me continued.  Now she was free to walk away from the keyboard at anytime.  She was not a prisoner.  Or she could have turned off her messaging client.  Instead she persisted in pushing her argument until it was fully defeated by me, and then she did the unthinkable.  I said that I would respect her wishes and say no more on the subject, at which point she told me that was a fact, because she was blocking me for a day or two.

That was the last straw for me.  We reached that point a few years ago in a similar situation, and since our forum for discussions was not an IM client, but a domain that she owned, I was basically banned from speaking.  At the time, when the rift was healed, I pointed out how insulting and injurious I found such behavior, and that in the future she shouldn't repeat it.  She should just stop engaging me until she was ready to start speaking to me again.  I do not take well to being "silenced" in such a way.  So, being a pretty good poker player, I called and re-raised the bet, blocking her and cutting off any other online access to me she could use, save email.

And it should come as no surprise that I got an email hours later.  I won't share all of it, but there is a graph that's quite telling.  "I do not like to reflect overly on such things; they make me anxious and therefore sick and pained in the now, which means those who behaved badly toward me in the past, got a freebee.  Consequently I am not interested in discussing this further with you; I do not want to revisit those feelings because they literally hurt me.  You can signal that you understand and want to make amends, by making me a peace offering intended to ameliorate the extra sickness you have elicited, and by being mindful of it in future."

In point of fact, I just got home from visiting the doctor.  My doctor is concerned that the stress of this encounter has negatively impacted my health so much so that she's moving what were follow-up visits on an every other week basis to every week until there is some signs of improvement.  My blood pressure, stress level and breathing are all suffering as a result of this transaction.

When I do something wrong, I'll apologize and mean it.  But I won't own sole responsibility when I'm not entirely the cause of the problem.  In order to respect this woman's boundaries, I will not speak to this person again, so as to ensure I cannot be blamed for any future words being construed as more violence.